:(

Im disappointed in myself.

Because...

I want to be another person.

Instead of just enjoying who I am.

I hate feeling this way.

But I cant make it go away.

Merry Christmas Eve.

Its Christmas Eve. 

I have tons of christmas presents to wrap.

I need to clean.

Tonight is the traditional christmas eve service.

I get to see my brother and sister in-law in 24 hours.

Last nights christmas party was wonderful.

I love hanging out with that small group.

District 9 is my new favorite movie.

Minus the whole body blowing up scenes.

Secretly I found it awesome.

Im dark.

I love Christmas.

I love my family and friends.

I hate my job.

But I love money.

I can't wait to go back to Baltimore.

It shall be glorious.

I took my time picking out all my Christmas gifts for my family.

I kinda want to wear my Christmas sweater tomorrow.

I hope its priceless.

2010 is a year of new changes.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Birthday Jesus.

R.I.P. Brittany Murphy

I have been a fan since the days when I watched the movie Clueless every time I could. After watching Just Married, I too wanted to be like Brittany, and marry Ashton Kutcher and get stuck in snow on my honeymoon in a small car, and after seeing Uptown Girls, I had a new calling in my life, to become a nanny to a rich child in NYC. It was because of the influence of Brittany Murphy. The actress who rolled with the big celebs, including Sylvester Stallone in her post production movies, and dated Ashton Kutcher at one time. Today, she slipped into eternity. And she will be forever missed.

Geez celebrities...why don't you stop dying on us...The King of Pop's death was enough for one year...

With A Little Help From My Friends.

Tonight, I definitely received one of the best gifts that I have ever been given. Not because of what it is, but because of the amount of time put into it, the thoughtfulness of it, the creativity, and the giving heart. Not to mention its a pretty hot gift...

Everyone who knows me, knows I have a deep love for The Beatles. Not like I know one or two songs, more like I have every album in my itunes. Its a pretty big addiction. And I have had this addiction problem for a couple of years. Yes, half of their songs were written with a drug buzz, but what song isnt...Sure, they were popular 30-40 yrs ago..Priceless music lives through the ages..And you can't forget Paul McCartney was apart of this genius band. And John Lennon was definitely a contributor as well. The point is, I have a deep affection toward these four men who make up The Beatles and am not ashamed.

Anyway, one of my great friends, Tyler Wic Neal, knows of this deep love I have. He is a pretty big fan of Christmas and loves to give. Giving is a big part of who he is. And surprisingly he decided to give me a gift this year. Just like the years before. Ok it wasn't really a surprise. He told me last night that he was finishing it, which means...he was making it. Now he is a pretty talented guy. He is an amazing photographer and has a creative streak that matches the genius ability of a Jerry Skaggs or Cindy Corl if you will...So immediately I became very, very curious...

Tonight at church, he gave it to me. Words can not describe the amazing beauty of this gift. It truly captures the exquisite beauty of The Beatles, not to mention every album cover produced. The most amazing thing about this gift though, isn't The Beatles or the amazing album covers. It is his heart and the desire to surprise me with something I love. Sure, he could have given me a gift card to Starbucks. But he decided to make it personal. And that is what is so wonderful about this gift. He really took time into it...for me..

For once, I am truly speechless..and thankful.

I get by with a little help from my friends.

(the picture doesn't even give it justice)

Rolling Stones.

I remember there was a small amount of time when Nate and I actually lived in the same house, and he got the rolling stone magazine in the mail every month. I would secretly look through them when no one was looking, because I thought they were so cool. Not that I understood anything in the articles at the time.

Now, many years later, I receive those magazines in the mail, trying to gain cool points I suppose. Up until this point, I have had a respect for that magazine. Sure, it has some interesting articles and covers(lady gaga nude in pink bubbles) but most of the music oriented things are very interesting. And they give recognition to those who deserve it. But as of sunday night, I no longer give my respect to this magazine. Their latest edition is the 50 best of the past ten years. 50 best albums, movies, songs...

So as usual, there I sat enjoying my moment with my magazine. And I turn over to the 50 best songs of the past ten years. Immediately, I set out searching for coldplay. I mean...yellow, clocks, fix you and lost should be on that list...Not to mention, coldplay is my favorite band..favorite...I find clocks...Im gettin happy...And then I find yellow...YES!!! Until I read the caption...And this is where I begin to hate rolling stones. They decided to quote the first line of yellow...Thats awesome...except for the fact they quoted it wrong.....

"Look at the stars...See how they shine for you.." is not the right lyrics.

Anyone who listens to Coldplay knows that. How hard is it to double check before print? Ignorance....Stupid writers....

Who cares about being cool anymore?

In a nutshell....

Its one of those days...

- No one at freakin RCCC wants to help me. How hard is it to take 5 minutes out of your day to look over my transcript and tell me what three classes I need to take to transfer.

- I realized today that if I were someone else, and I was friends with me, I would probably hate me.

- Being stressed out is an understatement. I don't freakin make enough money to do everything that other people want me to do, let alone what I would like to do. And if I tell people I cant do it, I dont want to be made to feel bad.

- I hate my job. People I work with make me feel like crap and I dread it every time I go into work.

- Im pretty sure I could go days and never leave my house and be perfectly fine with that.

- Im never content.

- I always want to change, but I hate change.

- I hate feet.

- Christmas is going by way too fast. I wish it was like when I was little and felt like it would never come. In fact, I would rather just live in a Christmas Movie.

- I want to fly and never come down.

I'll delete this later.

triggers your memory.

I hate it when there is a moment during your day, when a song or scent or store or car triggers your memory and your past memories come rushing back and fills your whole mind. And then theres a part of your heart that wishes for that past back, just because whatever is was that you are thinking of, was so beautiful. Even it was ugly in the end. It was worth it. And then you capture something else, and your mind goes to different memories. And you don't think about it again until the next day. But it always happens again...and always will. I think of you every day.

I lied. I dont really hate it. I kinda love it. Even the painful memories. It has shaped me into who I am.

Wrong timing I guess.

peace.

Lord please provide...I know you will :)

good grief..

woah black friday....i think i love you...

r.i.p. paw paw.

I like to imagine that at 2:55 this morning, my grandfather ran into the gates of heaven and my grandmother was right there waiting for him. Their embrace was more powerful that imaginable. I see my grandmother grabbing my grandfathers hand and running with him to the feet of the Lord. He has waited for this day for many years and I am thankful that today, He is free and the waiting is over.

He was a rough man. He talked rough. Walked rough. Looked rough. Acted rough. But one thing was for sure and I never doubted...He loved Jesus and Jesus loved him. It is a time of celebration knowing that not only is he reunited with my grandmother, the only woman he ever loved, but he is also with the one true love of his life, Jesus Christ.

question....

Why can everyone else see it....am I blind?

Why cant I?

Why cant we?

sigh.

I seriously think I've missed something.

beauty distortion.

">

life.

Life is about channeling, focusing, and turning it loose on something:

- Beautiful

- Pure

- Good

Something that connects you with:

- God

- Others

- The World.

How can I make my life like that?

Angels and Animals.

Have you ever thought that at the beginning of creation, there were too groups designed before God created man? Angels and Animals. Only after God created their impulses, did he create humans with both impulses.

Animal Impulse: Give in and let our cravings rule us

Angel Impulse: Denial of physical and the failure to acknowledge our sexuality is central to what makes us human.

And then we were created. Humans which have both. How we live matters because God made us human. We have both impulses but the ability to make a choice of how we should control those desires.

1 corinthians 6:19 teaches us that we are temples of the holy spirit. (angel)

Society teaches us that we can not control our desires. (animal)

God leaves it up to us to continue the ongoing creation of the world. (human)

If, as humans we are continuing the creation of the world in which we live, then every action and decision effects the whole world and future. So what kind of world are we creating?

taken by chapter 3, Sex God.

And they were all yellow.....

At least once a day, I think of my favorite concert this year. And the winner is, COLDPLAY. It was such an amazing 3 hours. Chillin with my best friends on the lawn, buying my tshirt, watching the drunk people, being five feet away from Chris Martin, and miraculously becoming the owner of their guitar picks...It was an amazing night. But the best part of the night, was when he sat down at the piano and he began playing Yellow. The Yellow balloons were flying everywhere, but the best part was for a moment, everyone was looking in the same direction, the same words. For that moment, we were all connected. Moments of connection are rare these days. Most people spend their time, trying to find connection because of the huge feeling of disconnection we feel towards this earth. Rob Bell asks a great question about being disconnected. "Is this why the first thing newborns do is cry?" Because they are immediately aware of the state of disconnection. And from their first cry, they begin fighting for connection. Our lives are not meant to be like this. Ephesians 4:6 talks about all of us having the same master, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who rules over us all, works through us all, and is present in us all. To me, thats a connection. Thats the connection we are all meant to have. Its supposed to be a natural state. But because of sin entering into the world, that connection was broken because Adam and Eve chose a different way. This wedge formed. How do we make the wedge disappear? How do we form that connection? Rob Bell puts in pretty simple terms. "We cannot be connected with God until we are at peace with who we are. If we cannot come to terms with ourselves and the life we have been given, we can never accept and connect with others. Until we are at peace with God and those around us, we will continue to struggle with our roles on this planet." Basically we have to accept who we are. We have to really pursue Gods heart and connect with Him. Then we can connect with others and disconnection will decrease. So the question is , How do we make us love ourselves?

A new humanity.

For my birthday, one of my good friends blessed me with the book Sex God. I had been wanting to read it for awhile, but had just not gotten around to visiting the bookstore and making the purchase myself. I suppose God and my friend decided I needed to read it now. So I started chapter one tonight. Its weird when I read a book. A book like this anyway. I analyze every word and will read one paragraph that sticks out to me, over and over again until I can pick it apart. Nerd? Ok. Im fine with it. Anyway, chapter one focuses in on humanity and how in reality, God made us alike. We are all humans. Thanks to the society in which we live in however, we are all divided into different groups. Not as individuals but as groups. Groups according to our income, ethnicity, family, location, outward appearance etc. But there are small moments when all of that strips away and you are just left with a human. A person who lives and breathes and chances are, they tie their shoe with the bunny ears just like you and me. When it comes down to the core of who created us, we are all the same. God created each and everyone of us. And the book has a quote which I love that says, "How you treat the creation reflects how you feel about the creator." How is it, that we can claim to be a christian, and love Jesus, and yet we walk on the other side of the street not to make eye contact with the homeless man begging for change? We are no better than him. That could be us sitting on that curb. The same God created us both. How is that reflecting how we truly feel about our creator? Deep down, is that how you feel about your creator? That he made a few mess ups but you are his masterpiece. Guess what? That beggar is his masterpiece too. He created us the same. I read that paragraph over and over again and tears just formed because I myself have treated Gods creation terribly. And when that happens to his creation, it happens to Him. He is torn down and belittled. And not have I done that toward others to gain in insecurities, but I have done it to myself. I have torn myself down and in doing so, its the same as letting God know that I don't appreciate his creativity in me. And I don't want that to reflect how I feel about my creator. I don't want to tear my Creator down. I want to reflect love and acceptance and gratitude and servitude and show his creation to others and let them know they are created special too. Created as humans. We are not of this world and its time to stand up and start reflecting the divine spark that God has placed in each and everyone of us, and start being the creation he intended us to be. Its time to work for the new humanity.

pg. 29. "With every

decision

conversation

gesture

comment

action and

attitude

we are inviting heaven or hell to earth."

This is it..

Today I am 20.

10 yrs til 30.

blah.

And another one down....engaged....this whole year of friends you graduated with getting engaged and having babies is starting to get the worst of me...seriously.

well...

Are there any good guys out there? Im really beginning to wonder that.

DMB.

Lying in the park on a beautiful day

Sunshine in the grass, and the children play

Siren’s passing, fire engine red

Someone’s house is burning down on a day like this

The evening comes and we’re hanging out

On the front step and a car rolls by with the windows rolled down

And that war song is playing, “why can’t we be friends?”

Someone is screaming and crying in the apartment upstairs

Funny the way it is, if you think about it

Somebody’s going hungry and someone else is eating out

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong

Somebody’s heart is broken and it becomes your favorite song

The way your mouth feels in your lovers kiss

Like a pretty bird on a breeze or water to a fish

A bomb blast brings a building crashing to the floor

You hear the laughter while the children play war

Funny the way it is, if you think about it

One kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong

On a soldier’s last breath his baby’s being born

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me

It must’ve been much harder when there was no bridge just water

Now the world is small, remember how it used to be

With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

Watch the sky, the jet planes, so far out of my reach

Is there someone up there looking down on me?

Boy chase a bird, so close but every time

He’ll never catch her, but he can’t stop trying

Dream Like New York.

What would it be like to live a completely different life? A different dream...A different mindset..A different lifestyle..A different career choice...A different location...Maybe I would enjoy that life better. There is only one life to live right? Maybe changes should be made so that I can look back one day and not regret that I didn't do this and I never accomplished that. Instead I want to remember all the things I did do. The people I met. The places I lived. The lifestyle that I had. The dreams that came true. Basically I can be a Concord. Or I can be a New York City.

And dream like New York

As high as the skyline

Aim for the stars above those city lights

I want to dream like New York

I’m running down Broadway

I got to catch the next train

I’m making my way

random thought.

Every so often, I get reminded that I have such a long journey before becoming the person I desire to be. I want to reach one more step, experience one more thing, meet one more person, do one more thing I thought was impossible. I am beginning to wonder though, will I ever reach the point in which I am complete with who I am as a person? Or will I always continue to want to change this and tweak that?

hmmm.....

Sometimes I think I could talk and talk and talk and talk...and the people sitting in front of me would not hear a sound.....The question is.....should I really care? Should it bother me? Or should I just pretend that I never notice.

Who am I kidding....

Obviously....

I love my life when living in Maryland....

lesson worth learning.

If worship has become a production, you need to step back. Worship should be a lifestyle, not a look at me event. I hope I never become a person like that. I would rather worship at a back of a room where I cannot be seen, than to be watched and critiqued. Plus, everything done should be a form of worship, not just when the mics are turned on, lights are dim and the drums kick in. If your heart is not in it, your worship just turned into a big sketch of fail.

imma preachin.

"Don't excite love, don't stir it up, Until the time is ripe- and you're ready." - Song of Solomon 2:7.

Lately, every where I turn, I see great relationships, drama and breaking hearts and my eyes have really been opened. Even though it is hard for me to believe, I have friends all around me, my age, who are married and a couple even have babies on the way. Crazy, but times are a changin. And they are happy and I am happy for them.

And then I see others, who want what they have so badly, that the drama they create, only hurts themselves in the end. Physically, Emotionally, and most importantly, Spiritually. I wish I could shake a few and let them know, its not worthing living life with "what if" continuously. Live life and when your soul mate finds you, great! Until then, stop trying to make it happen. Stop dwelling on him waking up one day. Chances are, he's not. Not because I say so, but because the bible says so. What has happened to letting God place the right person into your life before you claim you love him and can not live without him? Stop envying what others have, and enjoy what God has given you. Only then, will you truly enjoy the gift of a soulmate when God feels it is the right time.

Lastly, I see the ones who dramatically obsess to the point, they completely break their hearts, because instead of letting God hold the key to their heart, they have taken it upon themselves to try every last lock until it fits. Why not let the key designer show you which lock matches? Instead, each wrong lock is placing another fracture upon the heart, and tiny pieces can only hold on for so long. Its a shame, that instead of being patient and following God, many girls specifically, end up with a fractured heart that only God can mend.

With a little faith, and a whole lot of patience, it is possible for your soulmate to find you. God does all things, and he has designed someone so perfect, that it is worth the wait. At least, that is what I believe. I believe that God has so intricately designed my soul mate and we are specifically created to do great things for Him. I believe he has placed such desires and standards in my heart for my future soul mate because we are made to do outrageous things for Him together. Doing them together will glorify God even more. I believe that is worth the wait and even though human desires never go away, the desire to let God bring my soul mate to me, is much stronger. With more outlooks focusing on God, the result would be less heart breaks. Personally, I have the guarantee that God is guiding him and not only will he be everything I want and more, the love that we have together will be Christ-centered. With that foundation, love will withstand anything.

Phillipians 1:3

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamation of thanks to God."

It hit me.....

My reason for living = Being Gods messenger.

Just a thought...

"Good Morning!
You're beautiful with God's beauty.
Beautiful inside and out!
God be with you"
Luke 1:27-28


These words are the words the angel spoke to Mary when he told her she would bear Jesus. To be so beautiful, she must have had such a pursuit after God. So much so, God was chasing her to have his one and only son.
When you think of a guy wanting to date you, one of your first short prayers is" Please God, let him see me as beautiful." But how many times do I pray " God please see me as beautiful." I know it sounds cheesy, but honestly. Just because he made me, does not mean that I should not long for his art to still be beautiful in his eyes.
Mary's beauty went one step closer to God. She was full of His beauty. His beauty cannot even compare to our ideas. Beautiful to God has nothing to do with the outward appearance: the hair, weight, acne, etc. He see's the inside. The passion, the longing for his presence. That heart that is pursuing His like Mary's. In Mary he saw the beauty he had first created. The heart beauty.

Im no theologian, but instead of getting overhwhelmed with the way we look and stressed out because we are not the image society sees, we need to remember which beauty really counts. Getting back to the beauty of God is our focus. Like Mary, I need to pursue after God's heart because when Im falling in even more in love with Jesus, that is when my true beauty shines.

Inside out, not Outside in.

great....

It hit me....I am a nerd.

Rambles.

This week shall be lovely and sad all at the same time. It shall be sad because this is the last week I babysit Chandler. For those who didn't know, I have been taking care of Chandler all summer, and let me tell you, we have had some interesting adventures. I know I have had a great summer and I can only hope that I have made an impact in his life and he will remember this summer as a great one too. It hasn't always been easy. He is a huge homebody but I think he came out of his shell after awhile. I don't know what I will do next monday morning when I wake up and not rush to his house, just to fall asleep back on his couch, and hear sesame street in the background, bc we both are snoozing away. Or the random trips to the pool. No more monopoly marathons that last for five hours Or the neverending supply of cheese sticks. I love Michelle for that! Bc, I do love cheese. I have become used to spending everyday with him and starting next week, I think I will feel like a piece of me is missing.

Shortly after one week, I will start back to school, and take more steps to getting my degree and starting a new chapter in my life. I wish I could go ahead and read the book of my life so I can see if I like the way it turns out. That way, if it sucks, I can go ahead and rewrite it. It would be easier to get my degree if I was completely 100 % positive that I wanted to be a teacher. I don't really know anymore. geez.

On a lovelier note, Coldplay is this week and attending one of their concerts is on my list of things to accomplish. It will be grand. I cannot wait. It better not rain.

I think the next 4 months will go by quickly. I am not taking a huge school load this semester because I don't really have too. Im taking what I need.

September is going to be a great month. Labor day weekend, Brandee and I are going to fly up to see Nate and Shauna. It is going to be so great. I love going up there and spending time with them. You never realize how great you got it, until your family members move away. I wish I would have realized that sooner and I would've been at their house all the time when they lived here. They would've had to kick me out. Needless to say, I am super excited about staying up there for a few days, and really happy my best friend is coming with me. We shall have some great adventures, especially Brandee and I flying up LOL...Lord help us in the airport and airplane. I dont either of us has flown anywhere where we were in charge of everything. Lord Jesus. That trip is going to by soo fast!!!

Hopefully through the next 4 months, great surprises will happen. There are many things I am patiently waiting for. God knows what they are and he has them planned. I just need to be patient.

And then before you know it, Christmas will be here!!!!! I do love christmas, spending endless hours with family and home cooking! Christmas Eve services and Christmas plays. Plus I love the cold weather! Scarves and Boots and Sweaters, I cannot wait for you!!!

outrageousness.

I need to do something crazy and outrageous.....right now.

bookworm.

I hate reading a book and then feeling empty when i read the last word. I need closure now.

What a rant...

I want the life of a girl in a book or movie. Where lovely things happen at the most random times and everytime I walk down the street, there is a song playing in the background, with a slight wind blowing through my hair. And I meet my prince charming in a coffee shop when we bump into one another and my coffee spills all over his white vneck tshirt, and he is in fact, a handsome, rich prince from some far away country. And instead of getting mad at me, we stare into each others eyes and sit in the no name coffee shop for hours talking about nothing and everything at the same time. And then it turns out that its his last day in the States and we have to say goodbye. Depressingly, I walk back to my little apartment with floor to ceiling bookcases lining the walls, with original copies of books such as Pride and Prejudice, Little Women, and Anne of Green Gables, that in reality I do not own, and I sit on my comfy plushy couch that sits in the middle of my living room that overlooks my wonderful bay window view, staring into nothing because I know my Prince Charming just walked in and out of my life in 24 hours. What feels like hours, is only minutes and suddenly there is a knock on the door. When I finally answer the door, there stands my Prince Charming leaning against the door frame, breathing heavily because he ran the last million blocks finding my apartment and in fact knocked on every door in my apartment complex until the little old lady that lives below me told him my apartment number, he is wearing the same coffee stained tshirt, explaining how he could not get on the plane in between breaths. I then invite him inside and Ray LaMontagne starts playing slowly in the background..Its a perfect moment. And the next moment you see is a simple classic beach wedding with a few close friends and family, and body guards for him..and we get married and live happily ever after in his no name country where we one day become King and Queen.

Maybe I should write a book and movie instead. Thats the only way this story will come close to ever being true...Or I should just go watch a movie..Like Notting Hill, Cinderella, or Love Actually...

I am such a girl.

Is there?

I really don't know what I want to do with my life....Is there a major for a nursing-photographing-teaching-traveling-singing-writing-acting-CEO-wife-mother?

......I didnt think so.

each day...

Each day, my love for being a mother one day grows deeper. I think it is a big part of my calling in life.

My list.

I want to be Godly.

I want to go somewhere in life.

I want to achieve my dreams.

I want to make goals and keep them.

I want to feel good about what I do.

I want to be artsy.

I want to be classy.

I want to be mysterious.

I want to be lovely.

I want to be desirable.

I want to be understood.

I want to be genuis.

I want to be favored.

I want to be rich.

I want to be original.

I want to be vintage.

I want to be humble.

I want to be skinny.

I want to be invisible.

I want to be timeless.

I want to be heroic.

I want to cure the world.

I want to love everyone.

I want to encourage.

I want to criticize.

I want to give.

I want to take.

I want to experience.

I want to travel.

I want to buy without worry.

I want to make money.

I want to teach.

I want to design.

I want to paint.

I want to help.

I want to act.

I want to sing.

I want to preach.

I want to fly.

I want to run away.

I want to write.

I want to take pictures.

I want to take care of others.

I want to inspire.

I want...

the world.

sheesh

Im just gonna go on the record and say..I am a horrible cook...

Thats all.

The next couple of weeks...

Fridays are such wonderful days....Its the end of a super long week and the start of a weekend. Of course this weekend will be kinda boring since I still have to work....I have worked a long hour week....And its not over..It is a blessing though...

S.M.A.C.K. starts monday...I am super excited. Alice in Wonderland will be a success. After that camp, only one more week till I can head back to Baltimore and hang out with some of my favorite people. I can't wait. It will be so nice to just be surrounded by people who I love and love me and the rest of the people, I don't even know...Life will be grand. Life is grand now..It will just be grander. Is that a word?

Sketch.

There is something disturbing about watching Clifford in the morning, and one of the dogs, only having three legs. This is awkward. 

To add to the awkwardness, this morning Good Morning America had a special on a kid that they believe is a reincarnation of  a WWII pilot??? What the heck? 

There is a reason I sleep pass 10. 

Weirdos.

realization

I'm learning how to be an independent person. It sucks.

If I succeed, I succeed!!!!

Ive come to the conclusion that this blog only exists for me to express all my anger and frustrations. Thats kinda sad. Reading through my posts, I have alot of anger. 

On a brighter note, tomorrow is a new day. With new experiences. I am excited and slightly nervous. I know I am capable for what I will be doing, I am just scared of failure. I don't know why. If I fail, I fail. If I succeed, I succeed!!!! 

I am learning new things about myself. I'm learning that when I am frustrated, I usually take it out on others. I've also learned that expectations I have of other people, never seem to meet my expectation. They fail me. That has showed me I expect too much. I over analyze things and obsess. I compare myself to everyone and everything else instead of just accepting me. I try to organize my feelings. Things that shouldn't bother me anymore, still bother the heck out of me. And I hate confrontations. Im beginning to think I would be the happiest person in the world if you sat me in a room with my mac, books, movies, arrested development, strawberries, a hair brush and cheese sticks. I could spend days in there with no social interaction and I really think I would be fine. Thats sad isn't it? Or is it? 

geez..there goes another depressing blog.

Muggles.

I am slowly learning, to keep my mouth shut to everyone. No one needs to know my secrets. I know a hand full of people that actually keep their mouth shut when I ask them too. Sadly, other people think that it will never circle back around, but guess what? It does! I also hate it when someone else knows something, and when I talk about something, they try to act like they don't know but they totally do. Their facial expressions says it all. And then it gets awkward because I just stop talking. It irritates the crap out of me. It also irritates me when someone has no problem telling me what is wrong with me appearance wise or compares me to others. If  I can't sing, fine, but don't compare me with someone else, or if something is wrong with my hair, don't word it in a way like you are trying to give a compliment, when really, you're not. Sometimes, I think I should move to a secluded island, where I never have to deal with humans again. I wont have to deal with sarcasm, looks, lies or judgements. I am so sick of everything. This is not how everything is supposed to be.

A new season.

I had a dream the other night, and it brought back too many memories. Since the dream, I have thought about those months quite frequently, and it honestly makes me sick to know I can't push it from my memory. Honestly, I wish I could live in the movie "Eternal Sunshine for a Spotless Mind" just for a few days. Once my memory was erased of that particular time, I would happily return to reality. It's not that those months weren't enjoyable. Most of them were for me, at the time. Looking back now though, it all seems fake. It seems like a play where I was the main character, and I just got to attached to my characters life. Or its one of those dreams you have where you are looking above yourself watching what you do, but never being able to intervene. Too bad, none of it was scripted. I could make money. I wish I would've never had the dream. Because I enjoyed my dream. It was nice. I felt a happiness in my dream that I haven't felt in awhile. But its all fake and only set me back again. How sad is that? That stupid memories can set one back so easily? It is depressing. What's worse is to know the others involved in those months, have moved on beautifully and probably does not remember the half of it.  I still hear songs and it reminds me. Watching movies reminds me. Passing  certain locations reminds me. I was shopping in target yesterday and saw items that reminded me of it. Realizing what day is, reminds me of it. Its torturing because there is nothing I can do. Its a new season. A new dawn. A new stage in my life. And I want to experience that stage. That season. That dawn. If I could let go of the past, I would. How do you just let go of the past though? How do you wipe it from your memory? Why can't it just go cover up in my other thoughts and never rise again? Instead it just sits there festering, reminding me of what I don't have now.  If I think about it long enough, I start criticizing myself because this is not something I should continue to ponder. I am my own person, and yet I have no control of my emotions right now. Sad. Depressing. Fail. 

Maybe I should move and start a new life. That would be nice. Nothing would spark the memory. Wouldn't that be running away though instead of being a conqueror? I want to be a conqueror but how long do you try to conquer before its time to just give up?

jm.

Our Love was Comfortable.

story of my life...in musical format.

Opening Credits: What Sarah Said - Death Cab for Cutie

Waking Up: Merry Happy - Kate Nash

First Day Of School: Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice

Falling In Love: Rest of My Life - Michelle Featherstone

Fight Song: Oh No - Andrew Bird

Break-Up Song: Dreams of Our Fathers - Dave Matthews Band

Prom: Picture - MuteMath

Mental Breakdown: The End of History - Fionn Regan

Flashback: The Compromise - The Format

Wedding: When the Love Falls - Yiruma

Birth Of A Child: Little Baby - The Bristols

Final Battle: Jigsaw Falling Into Place - Radiohead

Death Scene: Shut Your Eyes - Snow Patrol

Great Death: Can I Stay - Ray Lamontagne

Funeral Song: Theres Always Someone Cooler Than You - Ben Folds

Ending Credits: Goobledigook - Sigur Ros

Soulmate.

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Its in the air....

Im feeling a change...Tonight it hit me that its almost time for that change to happen. I was sitting with a group of people, listening to them talk to one another and it hit me, I didn't fit in. Im not sure when, how or what it will be...but its coming. I mean, it has too. I can't continue living this way. I love parts of my life but I want to get to the point that I love everything about my life. Change has to happen. It could be a decision, a person, a job, a trip, a move...who knows. And even though it may be hard at the time, it will be better in the end. 

Superhower...

People walk by me all the time, and never acknowledge my presence. In a crowd, they talk to everyone around me. Im fun to talk to until someone else better comes along.  I feel invisible. And it feels like it will never change. I don't even think I can make it change.  I can't change who I am.

Sometimes it just sucks. Invisibility seems like it would be a stupid superpower. 

hmmm.

There is something wrong with this picture.

Lock it with a skeleton key.

I wish I could take the feelings that bottle up my day, find a huge treasure chest, fill the chest with the neverending feelings I want to go away, placed them neatly inside, row by row, shut the chest, lock it with a skeleton key, put the key in a safe, memorable place and banish the chest to a secluded island. Only then I when I decided to feel a certain emotion that did not include happiness, I would have a neat organized list of my feelings, choose which one I wanted, fly to my secluded island, unlock my chest with my skeleton key, pick it up, feel it, and then put it back. Then fly away. Not only would that eliminate alot of down in the dump days, but it would also empty up my day for enjoyable things. Like coffee, coffee cups, books, macs, clothes...friends...sleep...vacations....happy things.

......

I give up.....There is no point to hold onto it any longer. It seems nothing will change. I lay it down at your feet Lord. Just change my heart. Show me your desires and plans. They will definitely be better than mine.

discretion.

Discretion is not practiced in daily life anymore in our society. The dictionary meaning for discretion is " the quality of being discreet." Sadly, no one understands those letters that forms those words. Don't get me wrong, a little comment now and then is no big deal, but there is nothing wrong with thinking before speaking. I myself have to practice with that, because I am a Drye and Drye's just blurt things out sometimes that is coated with sarcasm, but I really am trying to get better. What is so hard about thinking through your combination of words before blurting and making sure those words will not come across insulting to the person that those words are directed toward. For example: I know it is a common phrase that many people use and mean no harm, but the whole "How are you? You look so tired!" needs to be flushed down the drain and taken out of our vocabulary. No matter how a person means that to sound, it comes across to the other person that they have bags under their eyes and look disheveled. That equals an insult. No one means for it to happen,but just admit it and realize it does.  There are many other phrases that are insulting as well. When you think about it though, some are not insulting until the second phrase. For example: 

Stranger 1: "Hey, your hair looks different!"

Stranger 2: " Yea.. Does it look ok?"

Stranger1: (heres the insult)"Uhh...it just looks small (meaning flat)"

DING DING DING....bad move. Discretion seriously. Its all in the wording.

Of course, none of these phrases are meant as an insult. It just happens. And now that you know that it does in fact happen, lets change society and begin using discretion again and decrease the insult number by thinking before speaking.

Abandonment.

Learning to let go is never a easy thing to come to terms with. Its not that you don't want to let go, its just the simple fact you don't know how to make yourself let go. The cliche line is Let go and Let God, and as cheesy as it sounds, its exactly what I need to do. There are so many things I need to just let go and forget about and let God direct. Feelings that I have need to be abandoned. Hopes and desires of certain things happening, I need to just lay down. Pressures that keep rising up within me, I need to suppress. Sadly, it is so much easier to type out than to actually do. With God though, I know it can be done. And I know once I have let everything go, God will then do something amazing that I can only appreciate once things have changed in my life. My feelings will be directed by Him. My hopes and desires will become His hopes and desires. And those pressures will become small in my eyes, because I know I am not dealing with them alone. I want that. More than anything because I know once God and I get to that point, I will be happier and complete than I have ever been. That will be a life changing experience. I hope it happens soon. I know everything is in His timing, and he is teaching me patience with each step I take. Everything that I am learning and feeling and conquering in Him is shaping me into the Godly woman he wants me to become. The future is exciting and I can not wait to look back and see where God has brought me. I want to be completely abandoned before Him.

"I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in all, of the one who gave it all. "

Anne with an E.

Looks can be so deceiving. Every day in class, I learn something new about a person whom I had a different impression about before. For example, the young girl who sits in front of me in my math class, who wears the Taylor Swift walmart teeny boppy clothing, seems like an over achiever, has watched A Little Mermaid at least five times this week, and doesn't look a day over 14, is in fact, a mother of a two year old. She definitely watches A Little Mermaid, but not for pleasure. What the heck? The sweet innocent Anne with an E of Green Gables by day, is Kandi with a I by night. Who knew she even knew the process of creating a baby. Or even looked twice at a boy. It seemed like those such things would be a fire brimstone sin in her life. I guess the tattoo on the back of the neck should have made me question things, but I just believed it was a rebellious moment on her eighteenth birthday that to this day, she still hides from her parents. I mean it is a butterfly for crying out loud. How extreme is that? It's not like it is her lovers name, or a dragon or the KKK symbol (if there is such a thing). But no, a simple delicate butterfly that symbolizes innocence and freedom. And its pink and purple. Hello late nineties child. Hello Kitty. Hello Bratz Dolls and Kung Fu Panda. It completely blows my mind.

All of this just to say, don't let first impressions rule you and don't be surprised when the 14 yr. old Hello Kitty math whiz turns out to be Sexy Hot Mama with an offspring.

wh.

Sometimes I do not know how to express myself or explain the feelings I have. It is hard to explain something when you do not even understand it to begin with. Not just the feeling, but whatever is causing that feeling, situations, people etc. Sometimes there are no words. Sometimes there are words, and I personally just try to pretend there are none, that way there is no explanation. Because if there is no explanation, facing whatever it is I need to face, is extended from happening. Maybe then, by the time I do come to a realization, I can handle it better than I thought. Maybe I will not feel the same way. Maybe the whole situation will change and end the way I want it too, which never happens by the way. One day, the situation is going to go the way I want. maybe.

The above makes no sense. I just needed to try and get stuff off my chest. It didn't really work.

Go see Madea Goes to Jail. I recently had someone make a statement to me about why everyone loves Madea, and I realized she is right. We all love Madea because she does the things we all want to do. We all want to have the confidence to do whatever hits our mind. Stupid or not, she (or he) gets everything off their chest and rests peacefully at night. I want to be able to do that lol. If I did that, then I would have no reason to not understand how to express my emotions.

This is so pointless.

I smell like waffle house.

Oh Candi.

word magnets.

When I get my own house, I hope to have those magnets with words on them on my refrigerator. Not because I will ever mess with them, but because I just saw them on Hugh Grant's refrigerator in Notting Hill. 

Have I mentioned how great of a movie that is? Anything with Hugh Grant is my pick. There is just something about good ole' Hugh. Every movie I watch with him, I almost fall in love with him. I cannot completely fall in love with him, mainly because I have to remain true to my love for Patrick Dempsey, and also because Hugh's wife would not be too thrilled. Neither is Patrick's, but you know, you just got to do what you got to do. And I should also point out, I loved Patrick Dempsey before he became popular like now. Can't Buy Me Love was my turning point and will always be one of his greatest works. Words can not really express the beauty of either of these two men. The sad part is, if I actually ever met them, I would probably lose all interest, because they are nothing like the characters they play in movies. That is a sad part about movies. A fake reality and then you begin questioning if people are like their character in reality.

This whole blog is just to mention I want word magnets one day in my house. The day I get my word magnets, I will form the most amazing sentence that will remain on my refrigerator for a long length of time.