A new season.

I had a dream the other night, and it brought back too many memories. Since the dream, I have thought about those months quite frequently, and it honestly makes me sick to know I can't push it from my memory. Honestly, I wish I could live in the movie "Eternal Sunshine for a Spotless Mind" just for a few days. Once my memory was erased of that particular time, I would happily return to reality. It's not that those months weren't enjoyable. Most of them were for me, at the time. Looking back now though, it all seems fake. It seems like a play where I was the main character, and I just got to attached to my characters life. Or its one of those dreams you have where you are looking above yourself watching what you do, but never being able to intervene. Too bad, none of it was scripted. I could make money. I wish I would've never had the dream. Because I enjoyed my dream. It was nice. I felt a happiness in my dream that I haven't felt in awhile. But its all fake and only set me back again. How sad is that? That stupid memories can set one back so easily? It is depressing. What's worse is to know the others involved in those months, have moved on beautifully and probably does not remember the half of it.  I still hear songs and it reminds me. Watching movies reminds me. Passing  certain locations reminds me. I was shopping in target yesterday and saw items that reminded me of it. Realizing what day is, reminds me of it. Its torturing because there is nothing I can do. Its a new season. A new dawn. A new stage in my life. And I want to experience that stage. That season. That dawn. If I could let go of the past, I would. How do you just let go of the past though? How do you wipe it from your memory? Why can't it just go cover up in my other thoughts and never rise again? Instead it just sits there festering, reminding me of what I don't have now.  If I think about it long enough, I start criticizing myself because this is not something I should continue to ponder. I am my own person, and yet I have no control of my emotions right now. Sad. Depressing. Fail. 

Maybe I should move and start a new life. That would be nice. Nothing would spark the memory. Wouldn't that be running away though instead of being a conqueror? I want to be a conqueror but how long do you try to conquer before its time to just give up?