Muggles.

I am slowly learning, to keep my mouth shut to everyone. No one needs to know my secrets. I know a hand full of people that actually keep their mouth shut when I ask them too. Sadly, other people think that it will never circle back around, but guess what? It does! I also hate it when someone else knows something, and when I talk about something, they try to act like they don't know but they totally do. Their facial expressions says it all. And then it gets awkward because I just stop talking. It irritates the crap out of me. It also irritates me when someone has no problem telling me what is wrong with me appearance wise or compares me to others. If  I can't sing, fine, but don't compare me with someone else, or if something is wrong with my hair, don't word it in a way like you are trying to give a compliment, when really, you're not. Sometimes, I think I should move to a secluded island, where I never have to deal with humans again. I wont have to deal with sarcasm, looks, lies or judgements. I am so sick of everything. This is not how everything is supposed to be.

A new season.

I had a dream the other night, and it brought back too many memories. Since the dream, I have thought about those months quite frequently, and it honestly makes me sick to know I can't push it from my memory. Honestly, I wish I could live in the movie "Eternal Sunshine for a Spotless Mind" just for a few days. Once my memory was erased of that particular time, I would happily return to reality. It's not that those months weren't enjoyable. Most of them were for me, at the time. Looking back now though, it all seems fake. It seems like a play where I was the main character, and I just got to attached to my characters life. Or its one of those dreams you have where you are looking above yourself watching what you do, but never being able to intervene. Too bad, none of it was scripted. I could make money. I wish I would've never had the dream. Because I enjoyed my dream. It was nice. I felt a happiness in my dream that I haven't felt in awhile. But its all fake and only set me back again. How sad is that? That stupid memories can set one back so easily? It is depressing. What's worse is to know the others involved in those months, have moved on beautifully and probably does not remember the half of it.  I still hear songs and it reminds me. Watching movies reminds me. Passing  certain locations reminds me. I was shopping in target yesterday and saw items that reminded me of it. Realizing what day is, reminds me of it. Its torturing because there is nothing I can do. Its a new season. A new dawn. A new stage in my life. And I want to experience that stage. That season. That dawn. If I could let go of the past, I would. How do you just let go of the past though? How do you wipe it from your memory? Why can't it just go cover up in my other thoughts and never rise again? Instead it just sits there festering, reminding me of what I don't have now.  If I think about it long enough, I start criticizing myself because this is not something I should continue to ponder. I am my own person, and yet I have no control of my emotions right now. Sad. Depressing. Fail. 

Maybe I should move and start a new life. That would be nice. Nothing would spark the memory. Wouldn't that be running away though instead of being a conqueror? I want to be a conqueror but how long do you try to conquer before its time to just give up?

jm.

Our Love was Comfortable.

story of my life...in musical format.

Opening Credits: What Sarah Said - Death Cab for Cutie

Waking Up: Merry Happy - Kate Nash

First Day Of School: Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice

Falling In Love: Rest of My Life - Michelle Featherstone

Fight Song: Oh No - Andrew Bird

Break-Up Song: Dreams of Our Fathers - Dave Matthews Band

Prom: Picture - MuteMath

Mental Breakdown: The End of History - Fionn Regan

Flashback: The Compromise - The Format

Wedding: When the Love Falls - Yiruma

Birth Of A Child: Little Baby - The Bristols

Final Battle: Jigsaw Falling Into Place - Radiohead

Death Scene: Shut Your Eyes - Snow Patrol

Great Death: Can I Stay - Ray Lamontagne

Funeral Song: Theres Always Someone Cooler Than You - Ben Folds

Ending Credits: Goobledigook - Sigur Ros

Soulmate.

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Its in the air....

Im feeling a change...Tonight it hit me that its almost time for that change to happen. I was sitting with a group of people, listening to them talk to one another and it hit me, I didn't fit in. Im not sure when, how or what it will be...but its coming. I mean, it has too. I can't continue living this way. I love parts of my life but I want to get to the point that I love everything about my life. Change has to happen. It could be a decision, a person, a job, a trip, a move...who knows. And even though it may be hard at the time, it will be better in the end.